Feb 092015

I’m sitting in a high school classroom as I begin to type this. Being that it is exam week, I’ve heard a lot about failing – especially as the students get up to leave after taking their exam.

“I know I failed that,”

“I’m just praying for a D!”

Or worse yet, “Yep, I failed that, oh well.”

Feeling Like a Failure


And I remember uttering these phrases myself amongst my peers after taking tests in high school. When anything was hard, or we felt uncertain, we were sure we failed. Rarely had we actually failed, even though we may not have done as well as we wanted to do, but we often left with the feeling as if we had.

I find myself still feeling this same way frequently. Like I’ve failed.

However, this time there is no teacher to grade my work. No chance for a do-over, and unlike a Math test in high school the stakes are much higher.

I’ve found it interesting since having my first child how much I’ve struggled with the fear that I’m failing. I certainly wasn’t expecting to struggle with feeling like a failure as a parent, since I have a background in Early Education and was a nanny for years. I “know” a lot about child development and teaching, yet I was (am) constantly fearful I was doing it all wrong, and failing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

As I’ve talked to other moms, I’ve found this fear of failing to be pervasive. It goes hand in hand with a severe lack of confidence; not just in motherhood, but in a lot of areas of life.

I’ve thought many times that with all the hormonal changes that come with giving birth, confidence must be ones of those things we lose. But the more I sit in classrooms like today, the more I wonder if our societal’s lack of confidence has a deeper root.

The Bible tells us that Satan is like a roaring lion seeking those he can devour, and that fear is a spirit that God has not given us (see 1 Peter 5:8 and 2 Timothy 1:7). I see this spirit of fear in so many of my sisters in Christ’s words and actions – it’s epidemic!

Fear and lack of confidence go hand-in-hand. They hold us back from trying and hold our minds, and at times even our bodies hostage from doing anything.

Worse yet, they often separate us from our loving Father God, as we struggle with fear of failing Him.

I’ve recently started reading The Wonder Weeks
book, which is the first parenting related book I’ve picked up in a while. Why? Because I hate the tone of most parenting books I’ve read that basically make it sound as if there is only one right way to do everything in parenting.

I even told Chris, my husband, that I was afraid to read this book and see how much I “failed” Naomi when she was going through the Wonder Weeks as a baby.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly how I’ve felt so far … like I failed.

However, as I stepped back from the book (which still has a ton of good information, despite my feelings), I determined to take the good information, use it to grow me and my skills moving forward, and leave my perception of failure behind me.

I also determined that I need to take a good long look at what God has to say in His Word about failure, and start living by the truth!

One of those I know off the top of my head, is that He has given me the Holy Spirit and that He can and will guide my life. If I’m following Him obediently – I can’t fail.

Even if the world, and I, think I am.


May 292013

Struggling to find my focus.  Dealing with my insecurities.  My fears, my frustrations, my hopes, and my desires.

I’ve got so many things I want to write and share, but ….

I get distracted. I get afraid. I’ve got to fold the laundry, make dinner, feed Naomi, let the dog out, etc etc.

And the day is gone. I’m left frustrated and agitated again.  I sit down to write and my mind gets lost in a myriad of Facebook posts, and links to make money (major distraction right now). Then its late. I’m tired, and agitated even more – and I feel like a failure.

I get up the next morning and determine to do better, just to be hit by the wave of negative emotions and thoughts of how is this day going to be any different than the rest.

How is this post going to be any different that the other one that I’ve been writing for the last week that is sitting in the draft box?

I’m going to post it – flaws and mistakes and all. (So if you’re reading this and see a lot of typos – please excuse them. I have to get past my perfectionism that is holding me back!).

God has a plan for me to write. To write boldly and confidently and to share what He’s been teaching me.  I’m to encourage and teach as I’ve been taught.

I’m not going to listen to the lies that Satan keeps telling me that I’m not good enough. That nobody wants to hear what I have to say.  That I’m just going to fail again.  That I’m not doing this blogging thing good enough.

I’m going to stop listening to my perfectionist side that says, you better make this bold, and go back and fix that.  You’ve got to use the right format, and figure out how to do xy and z first.

I’m just going to be obedient to what God is telling me. To write.

He encouraged me today with two posts from other women.  The first from a guest post from Lysa TerKeurst entitled When Strong Mamas Feel Week.

“Mama, you are strong. Persevering. Tough. Able to bend without breaking. Willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation. Not blinded. A hunter for wisdom. A praying through woman. A courageous mama. One that wants your child to not just follow the rules but, more.” Lysa TerKeurst

That’s me. That’s what I’m called to be – A hunter for wisdom.  Willing to share my humiliation and heartbreak, and seek the wisdom in it to share with others.

It’s a daunting task.  A task I don’t think I can do.

And yet I must.  There is the compelling voice inside me telling me I must. Telling me I can.

So I’m swallowing every part of me that wants to scream and run in fear. With tears streaming down my face, I’m writing.  I’m sharing. Obeying God the best way I know how.

At the side bar of her post I see a link for (in)Courage.  I saw it yesterday and was curious about it. So I clicked it today. And what I read was just another powerful way that the Lord said to me – Go. Write.

The post shared exactly what my screaming heart has been saying.  Everything from the lying voice inside my head, to my unconfessed fears of insignificance. And gave me the courage to move forward.

“I know that voice (the lying one) is a one-way-ticket to walking away from all the glory and the beauty that has been planned into my DNA. And yes some of it will be messy. And some of it won’t turn out the way I imagined. And much of it will be a work in progress.

But the some things I might not be perfect at, aren’t the sum total of no good.

I might not be good enough, brave enough, profound enough. But the God who made me – He. is. enough.” 

Lisa-Jo – What You Think You’re Not Good At is Only Half the Story

I don’t want to miss what God has planned for me. So I’m going to keep writing. If for no one else, then as an act of obedience to the Lord.

I’m going to listen to voice of the Holy Spirit, and allow Him to transform me by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12). This is going to mean I have to take every thought captive (I know there’s a reference here but I don’t know the address).  Starting now, and every thought from now.

I know its not going to be perfect.  I know its going to get messy at times.

I know I’m going to have to walk in faith for our finances. I’m going to have to let go of some dreams and some pursuits in life.  I’m going to have to say ‘no’ to some of the good activities and opportunities to help and serve that come my way.  I’m going to have to open myself up to criticism and hurt, even by those I hold dear.

I don’t have it to do it. But the power of the Living God is in me – the same power that rose Christ from the dead (again I’ll have to find the reference to the Scripture here 🙂 ).


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